Nausea Kitchen – OutSmart Magazine – Advice Eating

I I’ve been browsing the internet machine for the last month looking for some fun things to cook this summer. Quite by accident I came across a website called A Roundup of 50 Famous Texas Foods. Well, ok dokey.

I’m a fifth-generation Texan on my mom’s side and a certified New Orleans Creole Darlin’ on my dad’s side, so I know a thing or three about cooking. I once spread the rumor that I could put possum meat in my gumbo and nobody would tell the difference. Since then, far fewer people have wanted to try my gumbo, leaving more for me. So that worked out great!

The first thing that caught my eye on the Famous Texas Foods website was a photo of Frito Pie served in a pretty plate. Frito Pie is eaten properly in a single Fritos bag, slit down the side and topped with chili, cheddar cheese and onions. Ideally, it is served with RC Cola at high school baseball games. Or on the back porch with a beer. Eating it inside just takes all the happiness away from it. (Note for visitors from abroad: do not eat the Fritos bag.)

One of the famous Texas recipes actually came from Oklahoma. We don’t eat Oklahoma stuff. je. As we all know, the only thing keeping Texas from sliding into the Gulf of Mexico is that Oklahoma sucks. Honey, we eat anything from Mexico or Louisiana (and occasionally New Mexico if we get stuck in El Paso and start drinking), but never from Oklahoma.

Baked Chicken Chalupas: I just want to know what this Chalupa did to deserve such a fate. Either fry it or call a priest, but torturing chalupas in the oven is simply unacceptable.

And her chicken fried steak recipe is from Fort Ann, New York. Honey, Fort Ann isn’t even there south New York. If you look up Fort Ann you will discover that they are famous for being defeated by the British during the Revolutionary War. So I say if you can’t be trusted with the muskets, stay away from the cooking utensils. But here’s the weird part of this recipe: you cook it the usual way, except you use skim milk. Geeez, you fry red meat in drippings, but then you’re trying to be heart-healthy with the batter? Hey Fort Ann, that’s why the British beat you.

Famous Texas Food #42: Oven-roasted brisket. Someone goes to hell for that.

Then there’s the burrito lasagna. It calls for canned enchilada sauce and ready-to-serve spinach rice. Look, instead of taking us to the trailer park, why don’t you just show us a map to the nearest Taco Bell?

Then they throw in a bonus recipe they call Beef ‘N Bean Torta. It’s the same lasagna recipe, but this one has canned beans.

They even include a sweet tea recipe! I could have sent them the official Texas recipe in three words: tea. Sugar. Mix.

Maple glazed donuts. Did I mention this website is supposed to be famous Texas Food? Again, I’m a fifth generation Texan and have lived here so long that if I get a cut at the rodeo, I bleed. I have never seen a maple donut, nor have I spoken to anyone who has admitted seeing one.

There’s also something called Velvety Chocolate Butter Pecan Pie. OK, so you have: velvet, chocolate, butter, and pecans. What? You ran out of mango? Your kitchen sink doesn’t fit in the mixing bowl?

And get this: Texas-style BBQ sauce includes a full cup of ketchup, brown sugar, and vinegar. It’s from South Carolina where they cook brisket and pork ribs in the oven. In Texas there are only two types of sauce – the hot one and the other. Neither contains vinegar or ketchup. There are parts of Texas where “BBQ sauce” is a dirty word.

In the website’s 50 recipes, I saw the word coriander once. It was part of a salsa recipe that included grapefruit. I plant cilantro in my kitchen window. During COVID I got up every morning, made my coffee and pulled off a piece of cilantro to smell it. If I could smell it, I pretty much figured I didn’t have the COVID.

By next month, remember that Madison Cawthorn, that Republican congresswoman from North Carolina, claimed congressmen were involved in cocaine-heavy orgies. The very next day, Sarah Palin came out of retirement to announce that she was running for Congress. look it up It happened.

This article appears in the May 2022 issue of OutSmart magazine.